0 comments Today was not a good day. Probably mostly my fault. I didn't get out there and MAKE it a good day.
I got up at like 2 30 and went to clean Evie's cage. Five minutes after I got onto the porch it started pouring rain. I was pissed at myself for laying around in bed for so long. If I hadn't, I might have not gotten wet.
I went and texted Sarah. Before I went to sleep last night I was thinking that I hated how things were with us. But I was so tempted to just start bitching at her when I went to text her. About how it was obvious she had time to talk to me, and mantain our friendship, but she still didn't. About how I was tired of being treated like crap. But instead I just swallowed all that down and wrote that I didn't like things being bad with us. If we become better friends again I'll forgive all this behavior. It won't bother me anymore.
She didn't text me back all day. I can't even remember what I did... I'm just wasting away my life. I feel like I'm missing out on things. The days go by fast because I sleep so much. I'm not making the most of my youth. Sarah is out there doing things. Everyone else is too. I hope that this semester I can go and make friends, but every single year I say that and it never happens. I haven't made a new friend that I feel close with since I was 12. It's really sad. I want to be in a group that I feel accepted into, and like I matter. I don't matter to many people.
But the way things look now I might not even make it to college again. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think back on last semester and hate myself for the choices I made. And now I'm not even sure I can get into a fucking community college. I keep sitting here going 'how can such a short time ruin my life?' but really, I'd deserve it. I had so many opportunities to get better and I never did. I threw it all away. I don't think I'll ever get over it. I think that if I went back to school and did much better, some of the guilt will go away. But it doesn't even seem like I can get into school. All I have to look forward to is guilt and shame.
And yet, I still haven't called the college. Even faced with the prospect of making myself better, I can't do it.
All this worthlessness aside, it always seems like I'm just waiting for night to come. I feel strange sleeping at night, which is definitely a bad way to be. I need more to live for. I need to do more. But I'm just going to keep saying it and it still won't happen.
Sarah didn't text me back until late at night. She said she was in San Diego, and she was keeping her family up. I have no idea why she would be in San Diego. It was dissapointing, after trying to kiss and make up, to get this lame text. But she said she'd call me in the morning so we'll see if that even happens.
Lately it seems like if the smallest thing goes wrong I get so incredibly dissapointed and then angry about it. I guess I should start doing way more yoga. So Jen said something kind of snappy to me. She was telling me that she had a day all because of something I thought was kind of stupid. I tried to give her a sympathetic line when she started being emo, and she wasn't having it. So then I got mad. I dunno who could be counted with starting the fight. I've never really fought with her before. She's one of my only drama free friends. It probably says something about me that I fight with so many people. Maybe it has something to do with how little friends I have. Just another reason why I suck. But it really kind of shook me to be fighting with her, and damn she can be mean. I take what she says really incredibly personally for some reason, so I felt pretty hurt and then pretty mad.
That was just the cherry on top of everything and it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth, even if we're over it now. I hope it doesn't happen again.